Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Why does going back mean going backward?

I almost made it. Four weeks in Az without one fight with the sister or mother....
So what is it about going home that make otherwise intelligent, rational minded adults revert to childhood thought processes, perceptions and fears???
I ask because this is what happens to me every time I come home.
Eventually, if I stay here long enough, the same stuff that created massive screaming matches when I was a kid, creates massive screaming matches as a 40 yr old adult...kid.

I don't care who you are or what your reasoning is for moving away from home, but that's most likely not the REAL reason.
The better job, the spouse with the house in another country, the running from the cops...etc.
At the core...if you didn't want to get away from your familial home and the family you were born(or adopted) into you could def def def find a way to stay.
But for most of us who have moved not only out of town, but to a whole other country, I'm gonna guess it's to get away from the exhaustion of what being around our families mean to us.

For me...it's def about feeling axhausted. Don't get me wrong, I love love love my family. But it's exhausting.
I feel like I can relax and just be ME when I'm not living here. Like it's MY life and MY choices. And that's not to say that other people and their needs don't matter, because the certainly do, but at the end of the day there isn't all that other childhood crap clogging up the works.

I love being here with my family, but I eventually always begin to feel...well...like I am re-becoming who I was when I left. And I like who I am when I'm not here much better. Although I know I am better equiped to handle the pressures of family and all that that entails, it's still...i don't know the right way to say this...it's still like a slow regression...that I'm not really in control of. Slipping into old habits, old rears, old expectations. And having that almost asked of you.
It's like sand being removed one layer at a time by a gentle wind...eroding the sand dune and spreading out what makes it IT...
Until it's just a flat space where it's got to start all over again to become a dune.
urgh..does that make any sense? Guess going from one desert to the other is messing with my head...lol

But I have to admit...each time I come home it feels more and more like home. More than it did before I ever left.
I wonder if that means I'm finally growing up?


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