Monday, May 17, 2010

No matter where you go there you are

i guess that means that you are who you are no matter how far you try to run.
so my last blog was all doom and gloom and pity party for me. This one isn't much different....except i'm a bit more introspective.
What is it about the magical number 40...when used in years as an age, that makes most of us cringe with despair? Try to speed up processes that usually take years to develop?(ie relationships)
As women our uterises begin to scream at us that we are loosing time and there for going to loose out on opportunities...opportunities that for some of us we didn't even know we cared about.
As a single woman, who just crossed the threshold from young adult to almost middle aged...and thankfully one who does not look it, i can tell you it's not fun. In the face of what western society tells us makes us women it's hard enough. Now living in a community and dating people, as westernized as they may be, from the belief that everything revolves around family and children...being 40, single and childless is about the worst thing you can be...if you have any hope of changing the status of single and childless. Expired, i believe that's the term used by my dear friend Gigi the other night when four of us girls were talking about just this very thing. Daniella, being a baby in her early 20's, Leah- 33(ehem, sorry leah...honesty blog...), Gigi-38 and myself...the old lady of the group at 40.
We are all feeling the effects of being "singled out" because we are single. Single in an atmosphere of coupledom.

But isn't it supposed to get easier...the older we get...we shouldn't need to take 3 years to decide how we feel about a person, right?
I mean people have been coupling up for life for hundreds of years in this part of the world and the west based on a "hello" and "you're hot" or as business arrangements...and they work. Don't you think that after a few months of spending almost every day with someone you know how you feel? And what you hope to happen? Even though none of us knows the outcome of any situation.
And if you don't know .... doesn't that really mean you know what you don't feel?
Ah's all just a bunch of balony...this love thing...couple thing...relationship thing. Maybe it's meant to be for some and for others we are just meant to be something else....

I can't even begin to understand how men feel about this horrible number.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

itwhat i've been up to and musings...sorry if i ruin your day....

It's been far too long since my last post .... like since Aug ...
sorry about that folks. I had been struggling a bit with the realities that I can't be totally candid here. Everything is monitered, and it's such a small community that whatever is said or read will get back to you or someone who could have you deported. So the juicy stuff I will just hve to save till I leave here for good.
That's not to say that it's all doom and gloom. Far from it. The people I have met and the friends I have made, the places I travel to and the experience are all worth the little bit of oddity that my western sensibilities struggle with here.
Ok ... what's been going on since Aug ... well .. since then I took a trip to India. Went to Goa, stayed for a few hours, hated it (it reminded me of Tiajauana) and then went off to Kerala. Beautiful place. Very colonialized. Loved the fact that Hindus, Muslims, Christians and Jews live side by side on this side of the world and it seems to work well. See ... in my western mind I can't believe that I would even notice that, but here ... on this side of the planet, that is a rare find.
Went to Sri Lanka .... Hikkaduwa. LOVED IT. I went with my friend Leah and we made friends with these 3 great guys ... Fish, Neil, and Jimmy. They are from Wales and I know they will be a part of my life for many many years.
Leah just went to Wales to visit them ... I was supposed to go but with this and that it didn't happen.
Speaking of this and that ... why does it seem that no matter how far I go ... where I turn, how many times I make a point of making a "different" choice, I keep ending up in the same place? I am (was?) Seeing someone here ... have known him since I moved here ... started dating about 4 months ago ... and right now ... I feel like I am dating Len all over again. It's not a nice feeling to feel that you are good enough to make someone else feel special, but not good enough to actually BE special in their eyes.
I don't know, maybe I am meant to just travel the world alone ....
Speaking of Len, I saw him for the first time since Oct. the other night at a party. Talk about awkward .... He actaully thought it was ok to talk to me. No appology about his treatment of me ... no "hey .. here is the money I owe you for that speeding ticket" ... small talk ... ugh ... i don't care to hear your small talk.
(So seems this blog is going to be a bitch session, sorry)
What is it about the way we are made up that keeps us making the same decisions over and over again, even when we are cognisant of making what we are certain are diffierent ones?

Ok ... so here is the gist of my angst today ... one month ago i turned 40. I turned 40 in the middle east. Single. No kids. Dating a 32 yr old Egyptian man who isn't sure how he feels about me longterm but knows he wants kids. And truth is I am not sure how much longer I will be able to have them ... if I even can now. I wasted 8 years of fertility with a manchild who was never ever going to commit to me and I am missing those lost opportunities. How did I become 40, never married, never engaged and, it seems, destined to be good enough for now ...
The funny part about this is men from this part of the world, after 3 or 4 months are thinking seriously about marriage ... I thought my chances were moving to the plus side here ... HA even men who get engaged after 3 weeks don't want to marry me. Anyone have any insight into my faults and failures? Because I think I need all the help I can get here ....
(Wow. .. woke up in a pity party kind of mood)

Ok ... moving on ... next I went to Egypt with said man. Spent time with his family. I was struck by how awesome and intelligent and forthcoming and loving his family is. He has two younger brothers. Both engaged. Both lovely. His mother is sweet, quiet, caring and very very feminine. And funny.
His dad ... his dad reminded me so much of my late father. His manners, his speach patterns, the way he tells a story, like every detail is the most important detail for you to know. Witty, intelligent beyond measure, fair, generous, and stern. I can see my Egyptian boy growing into a man like his father once he has kids. But for now he's just a big, kind-hearted, narcisistic child.
Egypt was great .... only there two days, but I got to do the one thing I wanted to do which was ride horses near the pyramids. Yeah!!!

Just got back from a quick two day trip to Jordan with my friend Gigi. AMAZING. You should all try to get there one day. It's awesome to see the things that people were capable of doing, under such harsh conditions thousands of years ago. And to think that it's sortof familiar to us ... if you have ever read the bible or the koran or the torah, than the places you can go to see are somewhat familiar to you. It's all there .....

So the people in Jordan are just stunning. Beautiful blue and green eyes with cocoa and sand colored skin, dark hair, fine features. Friendly people too. Such a stark contrast to the public reserve of the Qatari people here.
We were openly approached by gaggles of schoolgirls wanting to talk english with us ... (or in one case rap an M & M song at us ...)
We stopped at the side of the road to milk a camel because our driver was thirsty ... THAT WAS AWESOME

Next I am coming home ... Nyc July 25th ... then to Ohio then Az ... back to the sandpit Aug 25 ...
that reminds me .. I need to buy my ticket and soon ...
Pics can be seen at my facebook / album.php? Aid = 410162 & id = 752845005 & = 7151fb8196

nikizcolorz on facebook ....

ok ... sorry for the sad sack stuff today, but hey ... i decided to be as honest and open as i can be without getting myself deported ... hahaha ...
and today this is how i feel. I promise to keep updated better from now on. Would love to hear from you ... comments, advice. anything.
ciao for now ...