Wednesday, July 20, 2011

wow I totally suck at this blog thing!!!!

I know I's been at least 5 months...maybe more...i'm sorry. it's been a hectic year so far...
i've gotten back's AMAZING~~~!!!!!
i can not belive i didn't do this sooner. I can now walk farther than a few feet without needing to stop from the pain....i can stand for hours as opposed to minutes....i have started going back to the gym...although admittedly i'm much lazier than i was when i was body
I have gotten engaged....and am having my wedding celebration in South Africa in Aug. The date is the 20th.
Wow...41, healthy, engaged for the first time...getting married for the first in the middle east...planning out a whole new life
It's .....FUCKING SCARY!!!!
it's amazing and wonderfaul and all that stuff they tell you it's supposed to be, but it's FUCKING SCARY!
How do you know??? How do you know that the person who asked, the person you said yes to...the person who gave you the ring you are the RIGHT person?
Personally, I don't think you know. I think you get to a place where u are ready to take up the challenge...
he's an amazing guy.....he is an amazing person....he is an amazing guys don' t need those
But even with that.... how do you KNOW??!!!

So, this week has been fulll of fun and games...
three of my friends, girls i feel some protection for...made a very dumb decision and got into a very bad accident.
anyone who has ever spent any time in the middle east knows that it's an easy thing to get into a stupid accitdent here. It sometimes seems that the people learned to drive on xbox...and believe that reset buttons occur in real life as well.
It's been tough...not only living the moment with them and being here for all of them and trying to sort through the mire as best as we all can, but also REliving all the past moments...when other sensless, incomrehensible things happened to people i love...that can not be "RESET"

these girls are all young....all beautiful...and now one is dead. One might loose her hand....and the other has been so banged up...not only physically but emotionally. all because a driver was drinking, showing off his prowess to his friend and trying to impress the hot ladies....

sorry to ramble but it really makes you think how something you do...or don't do, can cause a ripple effect for miles and miles past your current awareness....

So back to the original topic...HOW DO YOU KNOW??? Can you ever know? or can you honeslty just trust that this person is good. this person wants what is best for the both of you. that this person is WHOLE.

I...know my fiance is WHOLE. That he values me. That he want's to give me what will be best for us...and that we can grow together . And that really is all that matters.

Oh, and that, at the end of the day, neither one of us will ever look across our hospital beds to an empty chair.....

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Why does going back mean going backward?

I almost made it. Four weeks in Az without one fight with the sister or mother....
So what is it about going home that make otherwise intelligent, rational minded adults revert to childhood thought processes, perceptions and fears???
I ask because this is what happens to me every time I come home.
Eventually, if I stay here long enough, the same stuff that created massive screaming matches when I was a kid, creates massive screaming matches as a 40 yr old adult...kid.

I don't care who you are or what your reasoning is for moving away from home, but that's most likely not the REAL reason.
The better job, the spouse with the house in another country, the running from the cops...etc.
At the core...if you didn't want to get away from your familial home and the family you were born(or adopted) into you could def def def find a way to stay.
But for most of us who have moved not only out of town, but to a whole other country, I'm gonna guess it's to get away from the exhaustion of what being around our families mean to us.

For's def about feeling axhausted. Don't get me wrong, I love love love my family. But it's exhausting.
I feel like I can relax and just be ME when I'm not living here. Like it's MY life and MY choices. And that's not to say that other people and their needs don't matter, because the certainly do, but at the end of the day there isn't all that other childhood crap clogging up the works.

I love being here with my family, but I eventually always begin to I am re-becoming who I was when I left. And I like who I am when I'm not here much better. Although I know I am better equiped to handle the pressures of family and all that that entails, it's still...i don't know the right way to say's still like a slow regression...that I'm not really in control of. Slipping into old habits, old rears, old expectations. And having that almost asked of you.
It's like sand being removed one layer at a time by a gentle wind...eroding the sand dune and spreading out what makes it IT...
Until it's just a flat space where it's got to start all over again to become a dune.
urgh..does that make any sense? Guess going from one desert to the other is messing with my

But I have to admit...each time I come home it feels more and more like home. More than it did before I ever left.
I wonder if that means I'm finally growing up?


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

it's a new year...and a new outlook....

Well...seems I'm still shit at keeping up with the blogging, but I've recently received a few random exchanges with people who have just found..AND READ...this blog and they geve me the incentive to get back at it.
Thanks all!!! what's been going on since August?
Well...I went to Shanghai for a few days. That was a great city. It reminded me of what NYC circa 1970's was probably like. Seedy with the urge to be glam. Raw with the need of refinement. Dark and light at the same time. Something on the verge of becoming something else.
And then i realized that that's me. flash forard to New Years. Oh, wait...let's back up just a little... so about Oct time I met Michael Bowen. Mutual friends, yadda yadda...I was hosting a stand up open mic night a t Lava lounge. A friend of mine came in to try his hand at comedy and brought Mike. Well..needless to say Mike cracked me up and captivated my attention. And my hand as I recal.
We spent that night out on the town(a school night mind you) till about 4 am.
A few dates big ole fight where he was just being a big dummy head, 4months later...and here we are....Making plans for OUR future...but more about that in a moment.

So...we planned on heading out to Phx for New Year's Eve...
sometime between getting on the plane and jan 2nd my L4-L5 disk exploded. We went to the Thompson Peak Scottsdale Emergency room, got a new MRI done and was basically not allowed to leave. I was in surgery about 45 min after having the MRI.
Turns out there were a lot of things going on. The disk had been laying on some nerves for a long time that were preventing my bladder from functioning properly so i had a baaad infection well as causing my kidneys to not work right. Along with the hardening around the nerves from laying on them for so long, that when the disk exploded it was actually a blessing.
Thank God for Dr. Paul Gause!! He is an amazing surgeon. The pain of surgery doesn't come close to the pain I have been in for so long...with no real relief in sight. I was told for so long that nothing was really that wrong and there was nothing to be done about it...But when the thing exploded it was like...OH...I GUESS SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE
I'm on the mend and feeling sooo much better. I am able to stand and walk. My bladder doesn't hurt...kidneys are working well...
So, Mike was here for the surgery and for almost a week after. He was amazing!! He really took care of me, looked after me, made sure I didn't overdo, and pushed me to get out of bed and move around...even if it was only down the hall of the hotel...
He didn't loose his shit on me when I was being a pain in the ass...which, if you know me, I can be...
and thru it all he was as loving as anyone can ever hope for.

After he left I decided to stay in the hotel for a few more days before going to my mom's. If you know my mom you will know why...the house is a landmine...and i didn't want to be a bother to her. She's on dyalisis and can't do too much having to take care of me would have been too much. So the hotel was a great option. Housekeeping, room service...and the nurse from the hospital came by to check on me.

I'm at Mom's now. It's been good to be here w her...but tough too. I hate having to be in one place. I'm rarely ever sitting sittiing here in the house, with no tv, staring at my mother...while she stares at me...AAARRRRGGGGHHHHH
I'm doing PT. It's going well. Stretching and massage and such. I have to really force myself to do it...little by little. I'm not a little by little kinda girl. I feel better than I have in years...I want to start body building again...but not just yet says Dr Gauss.
Three months. But I should be able to get back to doing everything I used to.
Well...perhaps with the exception of

Ok...back to Mike and weare talking about the future. It's an awesome feeling for me. I've never ever ever been with some with whom I can talk about future plans and feel like they might actually happen...ok let's be honest... I have never been with someone with whom I could talk about future

Looks like eventually we might end up in either SE Asia or South Africa. But that's a while away yet...
I am also getting closer to knowing what I want to do with my life... because being an employee AINT it.
I am taking the TEFL online program...if you don't know what it is, it's Teaching English as a Foreign Language.
I will earn a certification that should allow me to teach english to non english speakers worldwide.
So having this will help with my future goal....I'm not going to put it down here yet as I'm still not in a position to do it and idon't want any of you to steal my
But...if anyone reading this is part of a program, group or non profit that deals in capacity building projects please email me at and we can talk..

so a few more weeks here then back to Doha. and Mike.
Yay Mike...boooo Doha

Oh ok so Mike...he's South African/Welch...interesting
he's in IT for the past 13 i don't really know what that means
He has just received his FGASA certifications...(that's ranger/tracker training) and his frflery certs. He is looking to go into natrure conservation and really wants to get back to SA and work in one of the reserves.
We are thinking about getting our diving certs as well as off roading certs in April.
So that where ever he goes, I can go too....
So see, what I said at the beginning of this blog is true.
I am on the verge of becoming something other than what I've been. And it feels really good to finally have someone in my life whom not only do I make better...but who also is interested in making me a better, stronger person too.
It's always been one sided before. Me helping the other person accheive. Grow. Accept. Expand.
Now...for the first time's mutual. And it feels amazing to valued like that.

So thanks to everyone who reads this...i promise to try to be more on top of it. And when ever I happen to leave the middle east I have a ton of stuff to say...that I cant' say now.(censorship and all...)lol
ok ciao for now...and wish me luck on the TEFL ...
ugh, haven't studied in YEARS!!!!!