No matter where you go there you are

i guess that means that you are who you are no matter how far you try to run.
so my last blog was all doom and gloom and pity party for me. This one isn't much different....except i'm a bit more introspective.
What is it about the magical number 40...when used in years as an age, that makes most of us cringe with despair? Try to speed up processes that usually take years to develop?(ie relationships)
As women our uterises begin to scream at us that we are loosing time and there for going to loose out on opportunities...opportunities that for some of us we didn't even know we cared about.
As a single woman, who just crossed the threshold from young adult to almost middle aged...and thankfully one who does not look it, i can tell you it's not fun. In the face of what western society tells us makes us women it's hard enough. Now living in a community and dating people, as westernized as they may be, from the belief that everything revolves around family and children...being 40, single and childless is about the worst thing you can be...if you have any hope of changing the status of single and childless. Expired, i believe that's the term used by my dear friend Gigi the other night when four of us girls were talking about just this very thing. Daniella, being a baby in her early 20's, Leah- 33(ehem, sorry leah...honesty blog...), Gigi-38 and myself...the old lady of the group at 40.
We are all feeling the effects of being "singled out" because we are single. Single in an atmosphere of coupledom.

But isn't it supposed to get easier...the older we get...we shouldn't need to take 3 years to decide how we feel about a person, right?
I mean people have been coupling up for life for hundreds of years in this part of the world and the west based on a "hello" and "you're hot" or as business arrangements...and they work. Don't you think that after a few months of spending almost every day with someone you know how you feel? And what you hope to happen? Even though none of us knows the outcome of any situation.
And if you don't know .... doesn't that really mean you know what you don't feel?
Ah hell..it's all just a bunch of balony...this love thing...couple thing...relationship thing. Maybe it's meant to be for some and for others we are just meant to be something else....


I can't even begin to understand how men feel about this horrible number.

itwhat i've been up to and musings...sorry if i ruin your day....

It's been far too long since my last post .... like since Aug ...
sorry about that folks. I had been struggling a bit with the realities that I can't be totally candid here. Everything is monitered, and it's such a small community that whatever is said or read will get back to you or someone who could have you deported. So the juicy stuff I will just hve to save till I leave here for good.
That's not to say that it's all doom and gloom. Far from it. The people I have met and the friends I have made, the places I travel to and the experience are all worth the little bit of oddity that my western sensibilities struggle with here.
Ok ... what's been going on since Aug ... well .. since then I took a trip to India. Went to Goa, stayed for a few hours, hated it (it reminded me of Tiajauana) and then went off to Kerala. Beautiful place. Very colonialized. Loved the fact that Hindus, Muslims, Christians and Jews live side by side on this side of the world and it seems to work well. See ... in my western mind I can't believe that I would even notice that, but here ... on this side of the planet, that is a rare find.
Went to Sri Lanka .... Hikkaduwa. LOVED IT. I went with my friend Leah and we made friends with these 3 great guys ... Fish, Neil, and Jimmy. They are from Wales and I know they will be a part of my life for many many years.
Leah just went to Wales to visit them ... I was supposed to go but with this and that it didn't happen.
Speaking of this and that ... why does it seem that no matter how far I go ... where I turn, how many times I make a point of making a "different" choice, I keep ending up in the same place? I am (was?) Seeing someone here ... have known him since I moved here ... started dating about 4 months ago ... and right now ... I feel like I am dating Len all over again. It's not a nice feeling to feel that you are good enough to make someone else feel special, but not good enough to actually BE special in their eyes.
I don't know, maybe I am meant to just travel the world alone ....
Speaking of Len, I saw him for the first time since Oct. the other night at a party. Talk about awkward .... He actaully thought it was ok to talk to me. No appology about his treatment of me ... no "hey .. here is the money I owe you for that speeding ticket" ... small talk ... ugh ... i don't care to hear your small talk.
(So seems this blog is going to be a bitch session, sorry)
What is it about the way we are made up that keeps us making the same decisions over and over again, even when we are cognisant of making what we are certain are diffierent ones?

Ok ... so here is the gist of my angst today ... one month ago i turned 40. I turned 40 in the middle east. Single. No kids. Dating a 32 yr old Egyptian man who isn't sure how he feels about me longterm but knows he wants kids. And truth is I am not sure how much longer I will be able to have them ... if I even can now. I wasted 8 years of fertility with a manchild who was never ever going to commit to me and I am missing those lost opportunities. How did I become 40, never married, never engaged and, it seems, destined to be good enough for now ...
The funny part about this is men from this part of the world, after 3 or 4 months are thinking seriously about marriage ... I thought my chances were moving to the plus side here ... HA even men who get engaged after 3 weeks don't want to marry me. Anyone have any insight into my faults and failures? Because I think I need all the help I can get here ....
(Wow. .. woke up in a pity party kind of mood)

Ok ... moving on ... next I went to Egypt with said man. Spent time with his family. I was struck by how awesome and intelligent and forthcoming and loving his family is. He has two younger brothers. Both engaged. Both lovely. His mother is sweet, quiet, caring and very very feminine. And funny.
His dad ... his dad reminded me so much of my late father. His manners, his speach patterns, the way he tells a story, like every detail is the most important detail for you to know. Witty, intelligent beyond measure, fair, generous, and stern. I can see my Egyptian boy growing into a man like his father once he has kids. But for now he's just a big, kind-hearted, narcisistic child.
Egypt was great .... only there two days, but I got to do the one thing I wanted to do which was ride horses near the pyramids. Yeah!!!

Just got back from a quick two day trip to Jordan with my friend Gigi. AMAZING. You should all try to get there one day. It's awesome to see the things that people were capable of doing, under such harsh conditions thousands of years ago. And to think that it's sortof familiar to us ... if you have ever read the bible or the koran or the torah, than the places you can go to see are somewhat familiar to you. It's all there .....

So the people in Jordan are just stunning. Beautiful blue and green eyes with cocoa and sand colored skin, dark hair, fine features. Friendly people too. Such a stark contrast to the public reserve of the Qatari people here.
We were openly approached by gaggles of schoolgirls wanting to talk english with us ... (or in one case rap an M & M song at us ...)
We stopped at the side of the road to milk a camel because our driver was thirsty ... THAT WAS AWESOME

Next I am coming home ... Nyc July 25th ... then to Ohio then Az ... back to the sandpit Aug 25 ...
that reminds me .. I need to buy my ticket and soon ...
Pics can be seen at my facebook page...www.facebook.com / album.php? Aid = 410162 & id = 752845005 & = 7151fb8196

nikizcolorz on facebook ....

ok ... sorry for the sad sack stuff today, but hey ... i decided to be as honest and open as i can be without getting myself deported ... hahaha ...
and today this is how i feel. I promise to keep updated better from now on. Would love to hear from you ... comments, advice. anything.
ciao for now ...

Travel A-plenty....

Sorry it's been so long... not too much to talk about here as far as new Qatar news goes.
I did, however, FINALLY make it to S. Africa!!!!
http://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=197114485398&id=299184330507#/album.php?aid=299764&id=752845005

http://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=197114485398&id=299184330507#/album.php?aid=299768&id=752845005

http://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=197114485398&id=299184330507#/album.php?aid=297939&id=752845005

http://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=197114485398&id=299184330507#/album.php?aid=297449&id=752845005

click the links for pics of SA....

I have lots of rambling musings i wrote while on my trip there... just have to get motivated to reread them and put them here.... next post....

Then I went to India!!! Gosh, I had forgotten how much I love India!!!

http://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=197114485398&id=299184330507#/album.php?aid=325940&id=752845005

pics from India....

this post is lame, other than to give you guys the pic links...I am sooooooo Tired!!!!

OH< I have a pup...
I ordered a pizza and got a dog.
Left my door open to get the pizza and when i came back in there was a small white doggie sitting on my sofa....
guess he knew i needed a man in my life...
so now i have a blind cat named Ray Charles,
a gimpy cat named Ally
and a stray dog named Hank Moody....
CALGON TAKE ME AWAY.....

an adventure within an adventure

Hi all!! Sorry it's been a while.. "Someone" kept erasing the history on my computer thus erasing certain cookies therefore leaving me having to guess how to get into this blog account....and it took a while as you can see, but no fear, I remembered where I hid the password info and here I am..two days before I leave for South Africa for August.
I KNOW!!! I am almost as excited for me as you are!!!! I remember looking into volunteer trips to SA 8 years ago, and finding a company that I thought I'd like to sign up with. Unfortunately things never worked out, and that co. seems to have vanished.
But being here, I thought if I passed up the opportunity to do this, I would never forgive myself. And not really having any clear cut idea of how long I am going to be here, it's now or possibly never.
I have added a link to the website of the group I am going with. The packages I am doing are Siyufunda Bush Experience and Noah's Ark Rehabilitation Center in Namibia.
Check them out.
I'm also thinking about a trip to Morocco in Nov. Anybody want to join?
Ok, so a brief update...Len was here...and now he is back in NY. We went back to NY for a wedding and I stayed about 10 days. We knew we were taking him back and he was going to stay for the summer, but I didn't know I was going to question whether or not to have him back here with me.
Needless to say, as you can see by my last few posts, Ozzie and Harriet we were not....lol
but this leads me to a question.
What defines a "RELATIONSHIP"? What creates a lifelong, mutually beneficial, loving partnership? What really is love? Is it the fullfilment of all of your expectations by another?
Is it not being able to go more than a few days without hearing that person's voice...even if there are other people in your lives...(you know what I mean)...
is it being able to count on someone being there for you when you need to lean or is it knowing that you can do the leaning?
At what point does a person say, well, I may not be getting a,b and c that would make this a traditional parnership, but in a traditional setting I wouldn't get d,e and f....
Ok so I'm ranting.. I figured if I wrote out what I was thinking I could make more sense of it... but nope..I was wrong...lol
So here I am in Doha, and I am finally going to realize a goal of mine...SA!!! Volunteer style!!!!!
Animals!!!! Learning about conservation!!!! It really is exciting to know that whatever I put my mind to I usually accomplish....now to just picture that wedding....lol
(and that salon I will own one day)
So I am off on my adventure....I will post more when I get back...wish me luck that I stay injury free...

I will say this...everyone needs to get out of thier comfort zone for an extended period of time to really see who they are and what they want. I think when you do the same thing day in and day out you loose sight of YOU. Sometimes it takes going to a country you have never heard of to find yourself again.

Oh..and while we are at it.. if I write it I will do it...so, when I get back from SA, barring any injuries, I am joinging a kickboxing dojo as well as yoga. And I will start riding again, even if it means I have to get up at stupid-o-clock to do it!

You need a little country in what ever country you happen to be in!!!

A good time was had by all

DJ Glenn

Dance lessons...Having fun?

Me and Len...Proof that cowboy hats make ANY man look better

So, I finally did it! I had my country night... two in fact. And I have to say, I am very proud of myself.

Birthday party at Cowboy Up

The first night was May 9th...sold out at 80 ppl. The dance instructors were great, and at one time we had over 40 ppl taking the dance lesson. The food was great and everyone left smiling...even if they didn't exactly walk out...lol (stumbled is more like it...)

The second night was last night...and it was great too...a few less people, which is to be expected, this was a big weekend here in Doha. Three or four different events happened, as well as a lot of people being out of the country right now. But all in all it was a pretty good turnout. Mostly new faces, so I'm getting the word out there...We are going to be doinbg it agian at the end of July.

It's cool, I'm here only 6 months, but I have the opportunity to do something I could never do in my other life. I am adding something to the lives of the people here.

After both of the country nights people came up to me and thanked me...thanked me for bringing something new to Doha. Thanked me for creating an event where they felt comfortable.. but most of all, thanked me for bringing a little taste of home to them here... in the Middle East, where, although things look similar, nothing is familiar. That was my intention with this night. Not just so that I could have a place to dance, but to answer a need. One that we all have here. To have a bit of home with us. Even though we all chose to move away from our homes, we are all still looking for something familiar. Homey.

And nothing says homey more than BBQ ribs...lol

I came out here to start new. Begin again...no, that's not even right.. not begin agian... but,

to find a new path. Let's see if I can make that happen...

Hope you enjoy the pics... I know this post is lame, but I'm tired. Had a big night last night...lol

Oh I have a new Vonage number... 516 913-4231

you can call me on this number and it's just like calling NY. No international charges and if you are in ny there are no long distance charges either.

Oh yeah, I can't believe I almost forgot. Len and I went to Dubai the other day. We stayed with my friend Lee (you will remember him from pics from earlier postings)

We went to Atlantis and the Atlantis aquarium.

It was kinda cool. Def nice to get out of Doha for a day or two. It was def more humid in Dubai, but it was much more familiar looking. A proper city. Proper roads. Shinier. Cleaner. Less...er...sand.

Line dancing Doha style....

Long road ahead, even longer road behind...so DON'T LOOK BACK

Hi guys~!! sorry it's been a while since my last post. I have been busy...my computer was hijacked...lol and well... i haven't really had anything profound to talk about. Ok, that's not true. I have had alot to talk about, just not sure it should be posted on here...lol

Ok to start I had a wonderful Bday party that I threw for myself at the W hotel. I can't believe how many people I know here already!! I feel very lucky to have made the friends that I have.

We basically closed down the joint!

I can't believe i am 39 years old. I have been battling back and forth between feeling proud to have gotten to this age and experienced the things that I have, knowing that there is much more ahead for me. I am def. feeling a bit more grounded and comfortable in my own skin. I actually have a future goal in mind...can't disclose that yet, but I am so much closer to realizing my full potential and who I am meant to be.

On the other hand, I lookin in the mirror and think, how can I be almost 40, never having been married, no children, never even been offered an engagement ring. And all I have to do is look in that mirror long enough to see that that path was created by me... my choices... my decisions.

I'm happy with those decisions, to a point. If I had chosen any other path, made any other choices, I would not be the person I am. And I think I'm pretty great. However, I am ready for a new path in my life. One that includes a partner. One that includes commitment.

As scary as the paths that I have chosen have been (moving to Inda, Doha, Europe, etc) the scarier path is the one I have chosen to avoid. I know I am ready for that now.

And it feels good, and sad, all at the same time.

I guess so far this blog is all about recognizing the choices we make...and accepting that everything that happens to us, we created. (well as far as paths go...i'm not talking about a plane landing in your livingroom or anything like that...lol)

This blog is about everything going on in my head....about everything being a paradox in life.

You can't move forward while looking backward, but you can't know your moving forward without know where you came from.

Things here in the mid east are a paradox as well. On the one hand we all have the notion of what it is like to be Muslim...and a woman. It must suck. The oppression, the slavery, the condemnation.

But that is only one side of it. I was speaking with someone who is very knowledgeable (not muslim) and got a totally paradoxical view... that in the privacy of their own home the woman is the "king"...lol

Really what she sais goes. She doesn't cover her face in public because she is made to, but becasue she chooses to...it actually adds to her allure...

Like I said in a previous post, the outside of things here are plain, beige, black, white... but look just inside, just below the surface, and the opposite is true. Colors, vibrant and rich.

The Qataries, the few I have met, on the surface, when "covered" seem bland and without much personality. But speak with one or two of them for a few min (especially the women) and you will find them quick witted, curious, proud.

paradoxes....

There is obviously alot going on in my head.... being here in a Muslim country, not being religious myself in any way, am finding a pull for something... more... spiritual.

I won't find it here, but perhaps this is the first step in my road forward to finding that path..

I am already thinking about my next journey.

I am constantly re-reminded that if I put my energies and thoughts into focus... and focus those thoughts toward a goal it will be reached... no matter what.

With coming here, with relationships, with ...ooh that reminds me!!

My dance nights are going to happen!!! I am hosting a country dance night and a swing dance night at the Marriot here in Doha!!! Never been done before! I KNOW that if given the proper amount of time these nights will be big! I am going to try to attach the flyer... if you see it.. it worked.. if not.. then i will have to try again...

But I digress...

Sometimes the things you focus on are only going to keep you on the road...looking back. It's a tricky thing to know where you came from but only look ahead... I haven't mastered that yet....

The universe is funny. What you put out to it, it will return to you...if only to teach you a lesson.

The day you stop running is the day you arrive....just enjoy the ride

I don't feel as if I am fully embracing my new experience. I sit here at this cafe at the Souk Waquif and look at all of the poeple who are here...and think...am I allowing myself to accept this great gift of an adventure, to learn about a new culture.. .to learn about myself...to absorb all that I can?

They are from all walks of life, every part of the globe. Some LOOK like tourists, some LOOK like natives. Some look shell shocked and some look relaxed. I wonder what I convey to those who are looking at me.

A man walked past me a moment ago (which is what promped this musing). Obviously not from here. Western dressed... jeans, red t-shirt. He looked like he was Hawaiian from South Cali....very artsy and surfy all at the same time. And just from the way he carried himself... his vibe... you felt as if "here is someone who SAVOURS his experiences." Now, I could be totally wrong with my assumption, but that is the feeling I got... and it made me envious.

I feel like I am the consumate outsider. Always searching. Never really at peace with where or who I am.

I woke up the other morning asking myself "why do I always seem to be dissatisfied...not fully content". Always looking forward...sometimes backward... but rarely, very rarely, able to be in this moment, right now. SAVOUR it. Taste it. Commit it to memory...all of the colors, smells, emotions of this one, singular, unique moment in MY life.

Sitting here, in this place, the Old Souk, which was originally built thousands of years ago...in this modern cafe, reflecting on the past...looking to the future.... I am trying to savour THIS ONE MOMENT...and to be at peace.

Last night a friend of mine introduced me to a song... and for some reason the words have been bumping around in my head...

They shut the gates at sunset

After that you can't get out

You can see the bigger picture

Find out what it's all about

You're open to the skyline

You won't want to go back home

In a garden full of angels

You will never be alone

But oh the road is long

The stones

That you are walking on

Have gone

With the moonlight to guide you

Feel the joy of being alive

The day that you stop running

Is the day that you arrive

And the night

That you got locked in

Was the time to decide

Stop chasing shadows

Just enjoy the ride

If you close the door

To your house

Don't let anybody in

It's a room

That's full of nothing

All that underneath your skin

Face against the window

You can watch it

Fade to grey

And you'll never

Catch the fickle wind

If you choose to stay

But oh the road is long

The stones

That you are walking on

Have gone

'

With the moonlight to guide you

Feel the joy of being alive

The day that you stop running

Is the day that you arrive

(Chorus)And the night

That you got locked in

Was the time to decide

Stop chasing shadows

Just enjoy the ride

Stop chasing shadows

Just enjoy the ride